DW and The Perils Of Parenting

This is too funny–I think the same things all of the time about those cartoon parents. And I totally agree that my kids wear me out long before I reach my "best" as a mom! lol

Yep. We really should be able to say that some parenting decisions stink.

I just read a book called Pampered Child Syndrome, about how some parents ruin their children by protecting them from ever experiencing negative feelings like shame, remorse, or unsatisfied longings. Those kids make great future citizens.

And I just read a post from a blogging mom about how GREAT! it was that they just put HIS OWN TV! in their ten-year-old son's room so that his poor, overburdened father would not have to spend time with children in the evenings. Boo-hoo, poor dad who doesn't like his kids. And HUH, I wonder what sort of healthful programs a pre-teen boy will watch all alone in his room at night? Let me think.

So there's my judgment for the day.

This is what happens when I write with a migraine: things get weirdly abridged.
I was trying to get to the point that even average parents like me have days where they feel guilty as parents and then get to actually bad parents, who DO exist, and whether or not our desire not to be judgemental serves children well in the long run.
Did the pressure to have children who behave decently in public result in higher numbers of good parents, or did it drive bad parenting behind closed doors? As Veronica just commented, some parents DESERVE people being judgemental about them, and some parenting is just as obviously bad as letting your imaginary six year old cross over troll-filled lake on her own.

Oh, and also the pressure to adhere to a shared set of parenting values. I know lots of people who would look at you blankly if you even suggested that there was something wrong with a child having a television in their room….

I think that this is where we just have to surround ourselves with other moms and just friends (moms or not) that are willing to call us out on our crap and support us in that place where we fall apart, exhausted in bed because we had such a horrible parenting day or just a horrible day period. You can't go through this journey of parenting and just living in isolation. You've got to have those people that are going to hold you up and just be flat out honest with you and those you can do the same with.

I think you said it all perfectly

It's funny, my kids watch Max and Ruby and think Ruby's terrible and bossy. I look at her and see a little girl with an absent mommy doing her best to raise the baby brother she never asked to have…what are you going to do? Arthur's mom does work in an office, I know that because of the episode where Buster and Arthur played their video game on the computer while their mom went to the office, even though she told them not to, and they thought they broke her computer. Let's leave her out of it, and blame the father for a change.

In some ways, I do become less judgemental reading and thinking about people's circumstances, but I don't think you get a free pass. Crappy parenting is crappy parenting, and if you're trying your best, too bad, it's not good enough, and your kid (and all of us) are still going to suffer.

Hope your migraines better.

I, for one, cannot stand Caillou's parents. They're TOO good.

yes, only Caillou's parents are "good" in all the wrong ways. They are performing for the narrator, or for us, the audience's parents. They say things like "yes, Caillou, having a baby sister really is a terrible hardship. We understand why you hit her." Huh? Okay, they don't really say that, but just as much as I judge the parents of cartoons characters, the creators of Caillou are judging me right back, assuming I am not patient enough, etc - and well, I am, but I'd rather be told by a person that a box. I also collapse in a heap knowing that I can't always be the mom I want, but sometimes I don't want to be that mom. It turns out I want conflicting things: to be the best mother I can & also to be alone.
And yes, sometimes, we run into bad parents. Someone I know was horrified that a stranger called DCF on a neighbor, but I said, hey wait, you complain about their parenting all the time, because it is bad. I don't know if DCF is the solution, but the caller may have truly felt it was the best thing to do. These people lose track of their young kids, near traffic, water and fire. I think they could do better - alot better. And it impacts all of us when they don't.

Crappy parenting is definitely an issue, and my heart goes out to the kids who suffer. But I think we still need to be rather careful with our judgments. Being the AD for our local Young Life Area has opened my eyes a ton to what kind of parents are out there… and why. You don't always know where they are coming from or what they have been through. Before I came to know Christ (one huge factor to take into consideration when looking at others) I was probably a pretty crappy parent too. I'm so thankful that there were people who took and an interest in walking along side me rather than just judge me and write me off as a crappy mom. I hope that while I might be thinking someone else's decision is crappy… I hope I'd be willing to walk along side them and maybe share why I might do things differently, and not just call them names or blog about them anonymously.

I totally understood your point! I had the same thoughts about Max & Emme's mom (not J-Lo) yesterday…does she not notice that they're MISSING when they go to Dragonland?

…"pressure to have children who behave decently in public"… just go read some of those awful Ezzo books who'd have parents believe the worst thing they could possibly do is not return the grocery cart back to the corral.

I think it's articles like this that promote something we moms already have in full abundance: MOM GUILT. I do believe most of us parents are doing our best, for the most part. We are imperfect people raising imperfect little people and we all will fall short of the super-high standards of ideal. Before I was a mom I had a clear image of the kid of mom I was going to be. Five children later reality has set in, that THIS IS HARD. It is hard to summons all your strength, patience, energy at every moment of every day 7 days a week to parent/guide/instruct/assist/nurture little people. I really believe we should give ourselves, and one another a break, and a boost when we can.

Oh yes, I know for certain that some days I give less than my best. It is a hard job, of that there is no doubt. But, I'm always appreciative of a friend who lovingly reminds me of my priorities. It can make all the difference.

Articles like this HOW, Tisha? I didn't give a list of good and bad parenting behaviours that mothers were expected to check themselves against - I merely asked if it was in fact good for children for mothers to never be critical of each other? The only person I was critical of - well, the only REAL person - was me. And when I feel MOM GUILT, I have EARNED it, and a good friend would not talk me out of it.

I think that parents who never question their parenting are more likely the ones who are screwing up. Your self doubt (and mine, I hope) makes you strive to discover your mistakes and do better next time.

I love your analysis of cartoon parents. My kids often ask about the parents in Max & Ruby and Dora, probably because I rarely let them out of my (or another grown-up's sight!

I think *most* parents do the best they can, I know I do, but that doesn't mean any of us are perfect parents. We're only human, so we will have our moments of frustration, of wanting some 'me time', of being a little crabby. The difference between a good parent and a bad parent is how the kids see those moments: are they temporary or pervasive, followed by moments of love and affection or not?

I had a tv in my room when I was a preteen. I don't know that it was BAD but it certainly wasn't NECESSARY and our kid(s) certainly won't be having tvs in their rooms either - especially since now I know about all the good role models they have out there. Dora! Bahhh!

I'm on the same page as feefifoto- yes, we all could do better, but if we're concerned enough about our kids that we're asking what we could do better, and praying about it, we're probably at least doing alright!

I was a lot more judgmental of parents before I became a parent, actually. There were a lot of things I said I'd never do, that now I've either done or can see myself doing when my baby gets to the appropriate age.

This is HOW:

"I've read a lot of things recently in the rather huggy mommysphere about how we shouldn't judge other parents because everyone is doing their best. We all know this isn't anywhere near true, though, don't we?"

"We ALL know this isn't ANYWHERE near true…"

No, we don't ALL know this.
Some of us are doing our imperfect, flawed, human, very best, and that can be good enough, because we will never be able to get it right all the time. There is no perfection in parenting.

I don't belive the judgement you mentioned is inspiring or profitable, as it tends to make people defensive.

I never said your friends should talk you out of the guilt you have earned. Your own personal conviction that you should do better is helpful. It's the judgement of others that can often just makes us feel worse.

Whatever. It's just my opionion. This is a public blog. It is my first time here, and I was under the impression it's purpose was to encourage mothers.
Maybe this encourages some, but not me personally. To each his own.

"do anywhere even NEAR my best as a mother"
I love this statement. I live it.
I was just saying the other night to my wife that I felt that I had done nothing with the kids that day and yet I practically passed out from exhaustion.
The "doing the best we can" comment doesn't necessarily mean we're doing well–perhaps we weren't given the proper skills needed to raise our own children. I was raised by a SAHM who believed that was the only way to raise children and I'm trying my best, which doesn't mean that I am the best.
I'm just saying.

Tisha, I'm sorry that you felt like my post was discouraging, but remember that the ONLY parent I accused of not doing their best was myself.

Boy, this seems to be a hot topic, huh? And here I was just sitting back and chuckling at your descriptions of TV parents (Max & Ruby's especially). Can I hang out and watch cartoons with you two?

I think most parents, most of the time, are trying. It may not always match up to the ideal, but the trying is what is important I think. Even though what I think and what the next mom thinks might differ, the fact that we're both trying is important and that's when a little nonjudgmental support is warranted. I don't think whether a kid has a TV in their room or not is all that important, as long as that kid is loved and taken care of.

There are photos of Max and Ruby's parents in the house…so I know they exist. Somewhere.

Kyla, I am certain that most parents ARE trying, certainly - but I know, for example, a mother who allows her sexually active TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD and friends to drink in her house. This mother frequently claims, in public, that she is "doing her best." Her best is not that good.

yes, the only bad parents on cartoon television are the absent ones.

and i know what you're saying. i've run into some rather bad parents myself and it makes my heart ache for the children. i want to rescue them.

how about that for a cartoon? someone who rescues kids from bad parents. yet, would be too politically incorrect to actually point out a bad parent? one who drives drunk with all the kids in the car? one who teaches their 4 year old to shop lift? one who sells drugs in the bedroom while their kids watch tv all day?

i really know these people.

all that said, i don't think i should be any less hard on myself when i yell at my kids all day. that's not doing them any good either. or when i fail to notice or discipline out of control behaviors. my kids think the parents on the supernanny show are bad parents when they see the kids acting so disobediently.

i guess there are degrees of badness.

Well, as possibly one of the people who writes a lot about all of us doing our best, I know that when I use that phrase I am taking into account that each of us needs an opportunity to let things go a bit. All of us will have different needs and will require it less or more frequently than others, but when I talk about us doing our best I consider that need of ours to be built in for sanity's sake. What we do is hard. Perhaps I'm just rationalizing my bouts of laziness, but I like to think that if, say…for example, I am letting my son watch Caillou right now so that I can read a few blogs and connect and will then be a little better for the rest of the day, then I still tend to feel I might be doing my best, you know?

Great post, Beck. I agree with you. For myself, I know that I could definitely be doing more - I don't believe that I do my best 24-7 or that trying to use the excuse that "I'm doing my best" cuts the mustard. I can always do better. Always. This is no reflection on other parents, but if I hold myself to the standards the Bible has set forth for me, I can always do better.

And I think the guilt? That's going to come naturally when I fail to do what I know to do in any given situation - whether it be taking the easy way out and letting my kids watch tv instead of doing an activity with them or yelling at them because I can't control my OWN emotions.

Cartoon parents are not good role models, I think that's what you were getting at with your satire. I loved it.

Excellent post, Beck. I would mention Caillou's parents, but someone else beat me to it. I will add that Caillou's parents suck because they dress like toddlers themselves, same color palatte and all.

Also- note what happens if you cause a stir in the "rather huggy momosphere"…

Hey, can I just give a shout out for Veronica (www.toddleddredge.com) who just posted a good follow-up to this? She gave a great description of the difference between judgment as discernment and judgment as condemnation.

I know that my personal response to judgment is to always feel condemned, rather than realizing that the "judger" might have been trying some constructive criticism. Though, as I said in a comment to her post, it is so easy, especially on the 'net, to comment and judge without trying to see things from someone else's perspective. (Along the lines of "why aren't you breastfeeding, don't you realize that is best?" or "you know, children really shoudn't watch television until they are two" or "you are doing what? That is just nuts". All unhelpful statements, especially without knowing the background.

Something more helpful, and that opens up the possibility of more dialogue: "That is an interesting approach. How did you come up with that?" (Though, Beck, I don't know how in the world that would actually help with the mom of the pre-teen you mentioned above. That is just beyond my ken.)

I often think the same thing. If you notice, Disney movies usually 'take care of' at least one of the parents. Not just the cartoons either- think Elizabeth's mother in Pirates of the Caribbean. I think they do it in an effort to automatically empart sympathy for the character. It pulls you in and invokes your natural compassion for those who have lost or are suffering. Either that or they have some morbid sense of humor!

There are "good" parenting skills and "bad" parenting styles and quite honestly it is not a matter of judgment but of end results! And some children can overcome the bad and other's can overrule the good-so even the end results aren't trustworthy. I'm sorry you have a headache, Beck, because I think you are taking a small criticism and allowing it to cloud the issue. You wrote very well and succinctly and your point was clear and amusing and as far as I could tell never meant to be the final word in Child Rearing. Go rest your head in a dark room and don't let a little disagreement bother you.

oh Beck! I guess that's really a problem with writing with migraine and writing at a foreign place, people who doesn't really 'Know' you somehow misunderstood what you were trying to say in this post….

well, as much as I want to be the 'Perfect' Mom, I can't, cos' there isn't and there never will be a 'Perfect' Mom in the world.

but to me - THE ULTIMATE THING is I love my children and THEY KNOW IT and LOVE ME BACK!

All the nitty-gritty details that build up this bond won't be that important anymore when my two feet are in the coffin.

ha! HA! Those funny cartoons…

and I'm not touching this one(today anyway). it's too hot. funny though, seeing us all get controversial over Max and Ruby and Arthur. hehehe.

True and funny. Very good Beck.

Andrea (Garden of Nna Mmoy) wrote a good post about this about a month or so ago. The trick is in knowing how we can constructively help one another when we are being bad parents. If you figure that one out, then please go talk to my "I'll make a man out of you yet" brother-in-law.

I agree with you Beck, that when I feel Mommy Guilt it is usually because I could have done better. I do try my hardest most days, but I am human. I say nothing in your post that made me feel crappy about it. It just confirmed my belief in not letting the kids watch tv

What about Caillou's (How the frig do you spell it anyway??) parents? I think they are on sedatives because I know I would have yelled at him to stop his whining AT LEAST a million times. UGH!

I have a friend who hated DW so much that she wouldn't even allow her kids to watch Arthur because she didn't want them to witness a kid getting away with such brattiness!

Also, I recently read "The Yiddish Policemen's Union" by Michael Chabon and he writes the following about an unnamed children's TV show:

"It concerns the adventures of a pair of children with Jewish names who look like they might be part Indian and have no visible parents. They do have a crystalline magical dragon scale that they wish on in order to travel to a land of pastel dragons, each distinguished by its color and its particular brand of imbecility."

When I read that, I laughed out loud and thought, "Oh, so this author has kids who watch PBS every morning too!"

Just so, Beck. Just so.

Here is what I think about guilt (not just Mom Guilt, but any guilt):

No one can make me feel guilty.

Which is to say, if someone passes judgment on me for something I have done, they have either judged incorrectly or correctly. If they have judged incorrectly, I may be frustrated that they don't get it, or pissed that they're in my business, but I don't feel guilty.

If they have judged correctly, and I have in fact screwed up, then their calling it to my attention might be the catalyst that triggers my guilty feelings (and I might get pretty mad about it), but they still are not responsible for my feeling guilty.

If I feel guilty, it is because my conscience still works (thank God), and I realize I have done something wrong. That's my cue to repent and seek forgiveness and beg for a little more grace to get through the next round.

This happens for me, I'd say, on an hourly basis.

The gloves are off, eh?

No, in response to your amendments via your comments–I got it. We judge people, and we make mistakes too. But the point is true that some decisions really are poor, and I think that's why we have friends–to hold us accountable in a nice way or to provide a better example for us.

TV and the "huggy" blogopshere, as you put it, can't substitute for real relationships.

In all fairness, I must admit I did not read your follow-up comments to your post, specifically no. 3, where you made your point more clear and asked a valid question about our lack of desire to judge being good for children who have parents that are obviously not doing what is 'best' for their kids. I should not have commented before reading all comments. Your last paragraph on the post left me with the wrong impression. I apparently misunderstood.
Moving on now….

I'm a judgmental harpie, mostly. It comes with the multiple advanced degrees and genuine sharpwittednes (and sharp-tonguedness). So. For that reason, I'm trying to work on being nicer to everyone.

My mom, though, used to regularly jump to the rescue of kids being slapped around by their parents in public, used to also call child services when, as a teacher, she saw something was amiss.

When I became a mom, I learned that a lot of what I critiqued so harshly in others looked a lot different now. Still, it's NOT OKAY when I sit next to a mom on the bus who is plying an 8 month old child with a bottle full of ORANGE POP. What to do? I don't know!!!

as I sit hiding in my room, in a dark corner while my children trash the joint downstairs, I now feel very much like the parents of max and ruby.

Well a post that gets us all talking is a good post indeed!

You had me laughing with the TV stuff…

Janice's 6 year old Jackson is always frustrated with why Dora is allowed to do all that stuff without a grown-up! LOL

In a class about writing for children, I heard an instructor once say how you have to figure out a way to get rid of the parents. You need the kids in the story out on their own to make a good story. And I guess TV proves that is what writers do… they kill off the parents one way or another.

About the guilt thing… I really love what comment #38 - Sherri E. said!

As a parent, I often feel guilty — sometimes I should, sometimes perhaps I'm being too hard on myself… but overall, it's not really anyone else's fault if I feel guilty.

But if I think someone else is overly judgmental, I may just feel like I don't want to hang out with that person. So generally, myself, I try to not be judgmental because I have a complex that makes me a people-pleaser. I HATE it when people are mad at me!!!

LOL about Caillou–I always think that his parents sound like they don't like him very much. But with that whiny voice, can I blame them?

I always thought Arthur's parents were okay. So he takes the city bus and runs around unsupervised…he lives in a fictional world that the creator can imagine to be as safe as he/she wants (and I tend to think today's kids don't get enough freedom anyway). Better than those sanctimonioius Berenstein parents, anyway. I can't freaking stand them.

LOL - Thank you for helping me to know that I am not alone here. My husband and I often chat about these things. Our son loves Max & Ruby and we often question where the parents are. Never shown in the show or in the books, just briefly hinted at.

LOL I was going to say the same thing about Max and Ruby…where in the world are their parents? lol Funny post but with a lot of truth to it. And yes, the lovey dovey, no one ever does anything wrong in parenting cause by God we're just trying to do our best is a bit annoying sometimes.

I feel most parents are quite judgmental of other parents but for all the wrong things. Instead of focusing of nursing in public or how long is too long to breastfeed I'd love to see people take a genuine look at things like how much do we really need to be entertaining our children and how important is it to teach things like responsibility and dedication versus signing our children up for every kind of lesson under the moon.

Trying my best to do better each day than I did the day before.

There are bad parents and then there are parents who have a bad day. Bad parents, meaning the abusive, neglectful, hurtful parents who are probably not reading 5 Minutes for Parenting. It's about more than allowing too much TV one day. And we can't be okay with that. With abuse. With neglect. With kids abandoned. Nope. Not okay.

And it's okay for you to say that!
How 'bout Disney movies. There is never a mom to be found. There would be no drama because mom would keep the peace.

I hope your migraine stays gone. No one should have to try to meet a deadline with one and I think you did a fine job doing it!

I didn't even know Arthur was an Aardvark. I guess I just figure these kids shows are full of strangeness that these minor things like that the main character is a talking aardvark just pass right by. And his best friend is a bunny?

I wish other parents would let their neighbors be their eyes and ears a little bit so I could go tell that one parent that their kid never goes to school and that the other kid deals. And I'd hope they'd do the same for me.

And what about the adults in all the ol' Peanuts shows? you know, the "waa wa wa wa" speakers?!

You are right on track with this post. Thanks for all of it.

look! i'm reading a blog! did you miss me? we;ll i'll probably disappear again soon but in the fall i'll be back to regular reading. . .

oh, my actual comment: caliou also has crappy parents who let that little piss ant cry and whine AL THE TIME.

and you know that i don't buy into this whole "you're ok i'm ok" parenting attitude. some parents are doing some horrible things, but we often want to turn a blind eye and not criticize for fear of being too judgmental. sometimes we just have to speak up and let our opinions be heard.

Oh, Beck, I knew I loved you.

I also loved this:
"And when I feel MOM GUILT, I have EARNED it, and a good friend would not talk me out of it."

Yes, I just left a lengthy comment at Veronica's and I actually wrote a very similar sentence - but I think I ended up editing that particular one. I was going off on too many tangents, posting in the comment section again.

It's all part of Oprah-itis. See what happens when you so much as mention "right" and "wrong?"
"Hell hath no fury…" and all that.

GREAT post, migraine and all.

The idea of "Mommy guilt" has always struck me as a concept that tries too hard.

If you have true guilt, deal with it. If you are suffering from a false guilt, get over it.

I truly don't get all the hand-wringing.

Becoming a grandma raises these questions all over again. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home full-time when my 4 daughters were young. My oldest daughter Anne has a 15-month-old toddler son; I take care of him three days a week while she works. My second daughter is expecting a daughter at the end of the month and plans to go back to work full-time, putting the baby in daycare. My third daughter is expecting a girl in December, fortunately she has flexible work options. Even though I bite my tongue constantly, all three accuse me of being judgmental. The other two are in Boston; Anne lives in Manhattan, a 40-minute commute from my home in Boston.

I worry that I will be perceived as favoring the grandchild I see so much more often. I need a new external hard drive if I take as many pictures of the girls as of Michael. And can I have 3 separate grandkid blogs?

Anne wasn't willing to listen to me on childbirth options, didn't want me there when she was in labor because she and her husband wanted to do it themselves. She wound up with a C-section that she now thinks was unnecessary and wants me to be there next time. When Anne was born, I didn't want my mom to take off from work because my husband and I wanted our privacy. For the other 3, I planned my pregnancies around my mom's schedule.

I was lucky enough to have 4 drug-free births, including two at home, so I understand that my daughters might feel threatened by my advice, feel I had it too easy so what do I know. My years as a childbirth educator and breastfeeding counselor also contribute to my being perceived as judgmental.

Being the babysitter who makes it possible for her to work as well as Anne's mother is potentially a quagmire. Anne and I have navigated the challenges reasonably well, considering she is the daughter with whom I have the most turbulent relationship. Fortunately, she is more forgiving of herself than I was of myself. But sometimes I worry that she is too casual, then berate myself for judging my daughter. I am a worrier; she like my mom is not.

My mom died 4 years ago. About five times a day I wish I could call her up for grandmothering advice from the one person who knew me and Anne equally well. When I frequently called my mom in tears over my latest struggle with Anne, we used to look forward to watching her struggles with her kids.

I adore my grandson and feel almost no guilty about how I relate to him. I know what I am doing, and I have no other distractions to prevent me from doing it. However, I feel guilty all the time about not knowing how best to support my daughters.

This is a great post as usual Beck. I have been reading my favorite mother blogs but not commenting for the last 7 months. My blogging has concentrated on my grandson's private blog and political blogging. But I have resolved to spend August on mother blogging, as I eagerly await my first granddaughter.

I just had my first big laugh of the morning here! Thanks, Beck. I see myself in Ruby.

My parents made an awful lot of terrible mistakes. I think they were often times doing the best they knew to do with the resources and support they had as children and then as adults. My mom often says she wished the internet had been around when we were kids because she would have learned so much more about more appropriate ways to go about things.

However, regardless of what she knew or didn't know about being a parent, she was terribly neglectful. As the oldest child, I was left to cook meals, entertain my sisters, keep the peace, etc. She was most often very lazy, demanding, selfish and often absent.

The fond memories I do have of her, still don't involve her being super mom around the house or even with us as far as lots of stimulating educational activities. It was simply when she sat with us and watched Little House on the Prarie. Spending time WITH us, no matter what the activity was what really seemed to matter to me as far as my perception of her and whether or not she was "doing her best."

Ultimately, like I said before…you just have to surround yourself with other people in your life that will hold you accountable. People who know you and people who won't let you just sit in depression over the crappy mom you feel like you are and also won't let you be that. I would never make it through my days as a mom of 2 young children if I didn't know and cling heartily to Jesus and if I didn't have friends that I could call and tell them what a horrible job I've done today and the knowledge that they know me well enough that they would call me out on that.
And honestly, we really can't compare ourselves to any parents out there. We are all unique and our situations are all unique. All we can do is love and support our friends and fellow moms the best way possible.
I think your post was great.

The thing about parenting is that it's just so doggone hard. It's not like, get them through infancy and your done. It's not even one issue a day. It's multiple extremely difficult issues all day long. As a parent, you are supposed to have the right answer to everything. But, there is no right answer. For every situation and every child the right thing to do is different and as a parent you are supposed to just "know" what to do. Which would be fine if parenting was all you had to do. But there's other things in life to distract you from parenting like, managing a home and being a spouse, paying bills, going to work for some, taking care of your parents, etc. It's just so stinking hard.

Sheesh, those migraine posts can be controversial, can't they?

I think some of my mommy guilt is completely reasonable. There are certainly parenting moments that I should feel guilty about. The guilt fuels me to try better the next time.

Well, I'm a couple days late on reading this post so the discussion may be over now, but I thought I'd add my two cents worth.

I think all mothers feel guilty from time to time about not doing enough to be a good mom. It should be a prompt for us to examine our parenting. Sometimes there's reason for the guilt, sometimes not.

I agree with your term "huggy mommysphere." Everybody wants to feel good about themselves and their parenting style. Nobody wants to offer any hard and fast parenting advice. People get defensive over the topic of parenting and I believe there's a reason for this. It's that mom guilt you were talking about. When someone expresses an opinion contrary to what someone else thinks/feels/practices then immediately they are criticized. Yes, I sometimes get defensive when my parenting choices are called into question whether directly or indirectly, but many times it has made me rethink some things.

I agree with JulieBoBoolie who said that we are judgmental for all the wrong reasons. Whether you choose to sleep with your baby or use a pacifier is a matter of preference. Seeing your child hit, pinch, or bite another child and then making excuses for it is poor parenting.

As a Christian, I believe my primary responsibility is to shepherd my children's hearts. Some of the best parenting advice I've read was in a book by John MacArthur who sums up the basics of parenting this way: 1) teach your children the whole counsel of God's Word 2) discipline them when they do wrong 3) don't provoke them to wrath.

One more thing. I read this in a book by Tedd Tripp called Shepherding Your Child's Heart: A parent shouldn't discipline their child just because they think others will judge them if they don't.

Great post, Beck. I must admit that I'm awfully judgmental, but most people don't know because I keep it to myself. That's because I realize I don't know the whole story, or even if I know enough and it's a valid criticism, I realize it's not really my business. That's why we need real relationships, not just virtual ones–where we can observe and comment and strengthen one another, and moms of older kids can help moms of younger kids.

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