By Michael
So this old lady with a face like a road map is heading out of the restaurant when she spots the baby. Not her baby, of course, or even her grandchild. Some stranger’s baby, as best I can tell.
But that doesn’t matter. She can’t resist. Suddenly, she’s leaning over the table and bouncing her head (the old lady’s, not the baby’s) and making faces like she’s doing the Hokey Pokey at a 1950s wedding. (You put your head in, you put your head out…)
You’re so cute. Who’s a little cutie? You are. Yes you are. Bladabubbafaddabuddaboo.
Some day, the parents will be surprised to learn, their little darling is afraid of clowns. Nobody will remember why.
I’ve looked at babies from pretty much every vantage point. Over. Under. Face to face. Even the treacherous diaper-changing angle. And never, ever, ever have I noticed any resemblance to a welcome mat. Or an Open House sign. Almost always, they just look like tiny people with big heads and at least one finger lodged in whatever orifice is most convenient.
For some reason, though, people seem to think a baby is an invitation.
Please, this is the first time we’ve been together all week, so won’t you join us?
Won’t you please make junior crazy just before nap time?
Please ask us all kinds of questions, as if we’re ever going to see you again.
Take as much time as you want, because eggs taste much better when they’re really cold.
And, oh, before you leave, please, please, please, be sure to drop your dandruff on our pancakes.
When the girls were young, all the attention was kinda cool…for about two minutes. After a very short while, it got annoying, then just a bit creepy. People who would never ask me whether I’m sleeping through the night or what kind of underwear I’m wearing have absolutely no sense of shame when directing those questions at a helpless infant.
I’m sure many people have more tolerance than I do, finding the advances of strangers to be a welcome interruption of a quiet, lazy afternoon. In my world, though, strangers are people we don’t know — and we are often fortunate for that ignorance. If I walk past your table in a restaurant and I don’t open a conversation with your baby, it’s a courtesy, not a slight.
Of course, even an alien invasion can provide a learning experience and the youngsters need to soak in the wisdom as early as possible. Next time your family party is crashed by one of those overly enthusiastic bobbleheads, just lean over and whisper into your baby’s ear:
You see, honey, this is why you should never talk to strangers.
Michael Rosenbaum is 5 Minutes for Parenting’s first dadblogger. He is a business consultant, playwright and author of Your Name Here: Guide to Life.
Michael blogs on life issues at Your Name Here Guide to Life and manages the Adult Conversation discussion group on Linked-In.
Annie Shultz
[...] http://www.5minutesforparenting.com/646/whos-a-cutie-wootie-smootiekins-you-are/ [...]
If I walk past your table in a restaurant and I don’t open a conversation with your baby, it’s a courtesy, not a slight.
Brilliant.
Our babies have never drawn that much attention — beyond the passing “Oh my goodness, what a gorgeous child!” sort of comments. But that’s probably because my husband can turn the very air around him to ice if he wants to deflect conversation.
(I was in an elevator with him once, shortly after he’d broken his leg. He was sporting a new cast, on crutches, the whole bit. A fellow elevator rider, trying to make morning conversation, commented, “So. Did you hurt your leg?” Corey stared at him, saying absolutely nothing, until the man was forced to look away and exit the elevator at the next stop. He has skills.)
I’m usually pretty tolerant of strangers getting all googly over my children, but even I got creeped out in the fabric store the other day, when this lady Would Not Leave us alone, and kept going On and On about how beautiful my baby was, and what pretty eyes she had, and what was her name? At which point I wanted to scream: “Stay away from my child, stalker!” I don’t even use my girls’ real names on my blog, why would I tell it to a stranger in person?
anyone knows where to find more about this ?