If Every Mom Were a Stay-At-Home Mom

And thank you, for an honest, well-thought and respectful post.

I never thought about it this way, but you have such a valid point and you make it so eloquently. Thank you!

I seriously love where you took this post. It is someething we all need to read and remember!

Steph

Well… maybe not completely necessarily. It sounds like you're including all women everywhere, not just the much smaller set of women who happen to have young children at home. There are plenty of women who don't have young children or whose children have grown who would maintain all those wonderfully vital jobs you described.

Thank you for writing this. Being a working mom (I'm a teacher), I have guilt because I am often made to feel that I am supposed to be a stay at home mom. But that wouldn't work for my family. So it is nice to know that I have a place to go where I am not judged and where I can be a mom even though I am not a stay at home mom. Thank you!

Moriah, when do you suggest they get the training/ practical education for those jobs? In a lot of fields, professionals can't just take 10 years (or more) away to raise their babies and return to the field. Pretty sure you missed the *entire* point of the post, which is to stop making judgments against each other for life choices.

I teach high school science, and absolutely know I am called to do it. My son is in a fantastic playschool, is happy, healthy and incredibly SMART.

Thank you for a post that bridges the gap. In turn, I have to say that I completely admire SAHMs. It's a really hard job.

Thanks Veronica for so wonderfully expressing exactly how I feel. I'm glad we live in a time when women have choices and we should all support all women in choosing what is best for themselves and their families.

I really, really, really like this post. It's a great way of reminding women/mothers why we're really all on the same side.

Yes!

Excellent post.

Excellent post!

exactly!

Thank you, Veronica, for a wonderful post!

We are all in this together, and we should support one another. As Damsel points out, it is difficult for a working mom to stay at home with her children and then return to the field. If I want to remain in the engineering field, where I design airbags for the cars we drive, I need to at least work part time. My daughter stays with a friend who watches children in her home while I'm at work. She is happy, well adjusted and loves playing with her friend and daycare provider while I'm at the office.

I admire stay at home moms, and honestly most days wish I was staying at home. Stay at home moms have a difficult job, as do those of us trying to balance work and home life. Thanks again, Veronica!!

I agree. I am a SAHM and love it and yet we struggle every month to make ends meet. It is a choice we make and we are doing the best we can and our children are better off. Not all moms want to be at home with their kids and that is ok too.

Veronica,

I LOVE this post! This is exactly how I feel.

Thank you for reminding us all how we are truly all in this together.

[...] If Every Mom Were a Stay-At-Home-Mom by Veronica Mitchell Dawn, parenthood [...]

Wonderful, wonderful post.
I often feel that the division is not ACTUALLY between women who stay home with their kids and women who work outside the home, but a much subtler thing - women who try hard enough and women who don't.

I know TONS of working moms who fall into the "hard enough" catergory and quite a few stay at home moms who are letting tv raise their kids until school. Of course, not all working women are doing a good job with their kids - but it's cruel to the mothers who DO hold down a job and who ARE raising their children well to make them feel needless guilt.

Great perspective!

Bravo.

I think I may just print this out and hang it on my cubicle wall except there isn't any room with all my daughter's pictures and artwork that surrounds me.

Many working women, myself included, would do ANYTHING to spend more time with their children but in many cases we are required to work full time outside the home or not at all. It stinks but this little 'thank you' made today feel a little less stinky. Thanks, Veronica.

Here here. (Or is that hear hear? I'm not really sure. But - you know what I mean. I think.)

Wow! That was great and much needed, I think.

Oh, that was terrific. Veronica, thank you!

Thanks for that. What a beautiful statement. You can bet I'll be back to reread.

Good job!

What an obnoxious article. You did the very thing to SAHM that you stated in your last paragraph you despised being done to working mothers.

If "everyone" chose to do anything it would obviously leave huge deficits somewhere else.
In era's when all mothers stayed at home I am sure all the children managed to find pediatritians and nurses and doctors etc.

Writing an article to promote the virtues of both choices is a valiant one. However the article you wrote was poorly constructed and not really all that favorable to either.

Missed the mark here..
Alyssa

So true, and so well-said.

Thanks on behalf of another SAHM who is sick of the Mommy Wars as well.

Thank you for this. Today I read an article that touched on this subject, and my Mommy emotions were low.

I went to subscribe to this site and there is no e-mail subscription *eek* can ya'll put one up like 5 Minutes for Mom has???? Pretty please

This is awesome. Love love love it!

Moriah,
Very narrow-sighted of you, Moriah. The gist of the post is very on point. For example, an OB/GYN does not have the luxury of just stopping her training when her children are young. There is a time component to licensing. And, as a medical student in training with a one-year-old, I can tell you that I have to remind myself constantly that I'm balancing his needs with my intention of helping others every day. It's a difficult balance, made more difficult by people who fail to see its necessity!

No, I wasn't missing the point at all. Of course every woman is free to choose motherhood or career or both. I was merely stating that I find it very hard to believe ALL those places would be shut down completely if mothers of young children stayed home. The blanket statement of how the first paragraphs were written made it seem like young mothers are the only ones working! I wasn't even commenting on anything else. Sheesh!

Thank you!

Moriah & Alyssa,

I think that you both missed the entire point of this article–grace. To get caught up in quibbles over whether Veronica's premise, albeit a tad hyperbolic for good literary effect, that the necessity of working mothers doing their jobs is imperative to our society precludes your ability to see that she is urging us to be gracious with one another. SAHM mother or not, raising children is difficult enough without adding guilt or feelings of inferiority to the mix.

And as a side note, it is very possible that V's statements would be true if you take into account all the people with children of ANY school age. I do not know why you assume that SAHMs only have young children. My mom didn't go back to work until my youngest sister went to college. Now THAT'S a dedicated SAHM!

Thanks for this, glad my friend shared it…feel frustrated when I get emotional about the women in my life and the choices they make. This was a great reality check!

This is oh so true!

"In era's when all mothers stayed at home I am sure all the children managed to find pediatritians and nurses and doctors etc"

There were very few eras where mothers stayed home in the way we think of it today. The whole SAHM-who-is-devoted-to-caring-for-her-children thing is a relatively modern construct.

Sure, women were home in the past, but they weren't playing games with their kids. They were working on the land, taking care of animals and trying to survive - a dirty effort that filled the entire day, every day. Children were at home, but they were working on the farm or in the fields. They weren't going to Gymboree.

Historically, only the very, very rich were able to escape hard daily work, and those folks usually had servants to raise their children.

I don't know why I'm getting off on this tangent, Sorry Veronica. I just hate to see people try to pretend there is a historical precedent for staying at home. Staying at home is wonderful if you are able to do it, but it isn't "the way it's always been."

All mothers, whether they are at home, at work, working at home, or some combination of all three, love their kids. And their kids know it.

AMEN! Thank you.

THANK YOU so much for that post. I am a working mom that has many times over felt guilty about the decision that we have made for our family. I so appreciated hearing what you said today and will save it and read it back over and over! Thanks!

Thank you for such a blessing of a post!

Thanks!

Interesting article on same topic.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200807/working-moms

[...] I read the post called "If Every Mom Were a Stay-at-Home Mom," on our Parenting site, I emailed the link to a friend with whom I've shared thoughts [...]

Dang people are so critical, lighten up! I personally really hate the whole mommy wars concept. I was a teacher before having children and am a SAHM now. I constantly go back and forth trying to decide whether to stay at home or go back to work. I absolutely loved my career as a teacher and truley miss it. I have also felt that being a SAHM isn't for everyone. It is the biggest sacrifice any woman can make in her life! Why must we judge people for making choices that are right for them and their family? Would we like to force everyone to stay home with their children because that is what we are told is best for children? Would it be best for a child to stay home with their mom who may resent staying home, who may crave that desire to contribute to society through working? We all have different motivations in life and need to stop judging everyone else's decisions.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from a mommy who works. Just like you say you choose to stay home, I choose to work. It's not about garnering a paycheck (although it's a nice perk!) or about doing great in the world (hello, I'm in marketing!) … it's about doing something that fulfills a need in me that nothing else can.

Thanks again, Veronica. I wanted to come back and re-read your post, and view the many comments I knew it would generate. In addition to enjoying the article itself, I appreciate your willingness to talk about this obviously (just check out the comments) touchy subject.

Also, thank you to Beck and Emily, I really identified/agreed your comments on the subject. The most important thing in my mind, is for us as mothers to care about our children and love them endlessly and unconditionally. We need to give each other (as mothers) grace and space to be ourselves and the best mothers we can be. It sets a good example for our children and teaches them to be caring and empathetic.

[...] If Every Mom Were a Stay-At-Home Mom [...]

Great post, thank you for pointing out that it takes all types to make this world of ours work!

Here's a thought. If every Mom were to stay home then we wouldn't need teachers to teach our kids because we would be teaching our own children. All those tax dollars we spend paying for education, buses, etc. would be freed up for other things in our respective towns and cities. All those other positions out in the working world that were once filled with working Moms would be filled with our men. Those pediatrician positions and doctor positions would still be there because more men would be able to get financial aid to go to college if women didn't work. More men would be able to support their families if there wasn't a female quota that had to be ascertained at a specific job. That means more families would be more financially fit. And if you are a stay at home Mom..it doesn't mean your stupid. You will still have thought processes and will be able to contribute to all those scholarly insights. Since when did being a stay at home Mom mean you aren't doing anything with your life or your not smart or the general perception is you don't have a fulfilling life if you aren't out there working. God created women to be Mothers and to take care of our children at home.
I realize the above scenario would be great if this were a perfect world so before everyone gets mad at me I just put that out there to ask people to really give it some serious thought. I know there are single mothers, blended families and women who can't afford to stay at home. I use to be a single Mother working 2 jobs to support my child. I've been there.

Very well put! I'm glad I can be at home, but am also very grateful for the women in the work force. There is room for both.

I'm over the Mommy Wars as well. Both 'sides' (and I use the term loosely) sacrifice for the decisions they make (or in many cases, are made for them). One 'side' isn't better than the other and I'm really tired of hearing the constant 'battle' between women who feel they are.

Thank you, Veronica, for your article. I feel it was well written and well presented.

Thank you so much. As a mom who has to work outside of the home, it's nice to hear someone not perpetuating the Mommy Wars. Because, to be honest, we all do what we do for our children, and that is all that matters.

Thank you so much for this post! I am a working mom and have at times struggled with this decision.

What a great way to look at the "war!" Thank you for that article. I really appreciated it!

So true. I would love to be a SAHM, but I'm a single mom and someone has to pay the bills. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) I feel guilty about it, but I'm doing the best I can. I just try to make each moment with my daughter extra special and hope it's enough. I respect the SAHM too, because sometimes a long weekend at home is enough to make me want to pull my hair out. (I enjoy spending time with my daughter, but two year olds do wear you out sometimes.)

Oh my heavens, this is the most wonderful thing I have read in a long, long time. How did you get right in my heart and go and write it? THANK YOU!

Oh my! I thought this battle was over a generation ago! Once upon a time, when I was raising my "first family," I frequently encountered the attitude of the Women's Liberation Front that would have me believe that a woman who chose to stay home and raise her children was simply too stupid to do anything else with her life. The "mommy wars" were pretty vicious back then!

So, after almost twenty years of being a stay-at-home mom, I returned to college and earned three degrees (so much for being too stupid!) and then worked away from home as a college instructor for several years. I did do that in the right order, didn't I?

Fast forward to NOW (no pun intended!) and I am now the mother of two beautiful daughters adopted from China, ages five and seven years. The world is a much different place now than it was back in the 70s and 80s when I was a younger mom, and it was not uncommon back then to be able to raise a family on one income. And now, even though we live frugally, budget our money, and teach our daughters the difference between "wants" and "needs," it is necessary for me to help our family financially. So, I now work away from home, fortunately with a pretty flexible schedule and a low-stress job, and our girls love their "Bible School" daycare program.

So, I guess as a mom who has been a Mommy Warrior for a very long time . . . . . and I've fought the "battle" from a variety of different vantage points, my observation is that we will all be stronger moms, have healthier families, and be happier women when we learn to support one another, whatever our position on the battlefield of the Mommy Wars. Because the REAL battle is not between Mommies, but the battle is for the hearts and souls of our children, and we need all the support we can get from each other.

PS Sue has offered an insightful, historical context for this conversation. And she is right - the idea of mommies staying home with their children, playing games, going to the zoo, the water park, or the museum is simply not part of the historical record. There is no historical precedent for this kind of "stay at home" mothering. When moms were at home with their children, they were ALL working very hard to provide for their families. Only the very wealthy families were able to have a mommy who did not "work" - and then those mommies were often entertaining their Garden Club while the kiddos were sent off to boarding school or in the nursery with the nanny. Let's get on with life, girls.

From the comments back and forth , it is clear the "mommy wars" will never be over. I have been on both sides (sahm and working mom - which I am currently) and I can guarantee you it is a lose, lose proposition when faced with women from the opposite camp. If you're a sahm, then working moms think you are "dumbing down" your life by filling it with playgroups, trips to the park and watching Barney and Blues Clues everyday. (sorry, I just dated myself.) But if you decide to go back to work, somehow you are a bad mother who neglects her children because she doesn't have them attached to her hip everyday.
I've been there and done both and no matter what you do it seems you can't win in the eyes of other mothers. So I count my wins from the eyes of my husband and children. And we do what works for us.

Thanks for the article - I enjoyed it.

So incredibly well stated! I feel so strongly about this issue I recently started a small business devoted to ending the Mommy Wars!! I really like the way you have brought such perspective to the topic….Thanks for sharing your thoughts which you translate into writing so well.

This is so true. To stay or not to stay has been such a struggle for me, trying to find what's right for our little family without caving in to external pressures.

I've never known a working Mom who though a SAHM Mom was dumb or a SAHM mom who thought a working Mom was neglecting her children. Maybe I hang out with smart people who respect each others choices and decisions. I'm glad I do.

Amazing. Even a post that is balanced and fair and encourages us not to judge one another brings out those who continue to think they know what is best for another person.

I am endlessly grateful that our family doctor chooses to work full-time caring for me and my family. She is a mother who loves her children and parents them beautifully. She also loves my children and helps me care for them.

Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for those mothers who work outside the home.

Thank you - from a teaching mommy - thank you. I have tremendous respect for mommies who stay at home with their children, and I truly appreciate a nod from one of them I know that I am doing what is right for my family. You can be assured that I am doing, and will continue to do my part to end the 'Mommy Wars'. We have far more important things to do than squabble.

I think that there would be a lot of good that would come out of everyone being a stay at home mom for at least the first two years….of course it is not for everyone, trust me many a day I would have rather been at work making 100K, however, I wanted to form my children, give them love, be there for them…make sure they knew MY Values for how they should be raised. I have a wonderful career that I worked long and hard for and when my kids were 3 and 6 I started a little business from home which is now growing just in time to fill in the time while they are at school. I know that everyone doesn't have this opportunity, but my husband and I decided to alter our lives, live without the second income and that meant, no big house, no fancy cars and reasonable vacations..it was worth it!

I just loved this essay. Thank you so much for writing it!

Present day SAHM's don't just play games with their kids. They are constantly teaching their children everything from math to morals. "Historically" women were at the home preparing meals, washing and sewing clothes and whatever else they needed to do to keep the home together. Their daughters participated by learning to sew, watch younger siblings and help prepare the meals. Men worked the farm and livestock with their sons. Pretty much the equivalent of homeschooling today. All this because their lot in life was to be farmers and wives of farmers. The SAHM is different today because we are not raising our children to be farmers and wives of farmers.

[...] a (former?) working mom, I loved Veronica's post over at 5 Minutes for Parenting on If Every Mom Were a Stay-At-Home Mom. She looks at the so-called 'Mommy Wars' from an angle that I don't think many of [...]

I had to laugh at the description of the mommies filling their lives with playgroups, etc. Sounds like a great vacation to me! Most of the moms I know (probably the writer of that comment too) work those things into very busy days.

Historically for me, my mother was a SAHM until a couple of years after I graduated from college. Very good for me—that's when she and I stopped being "just" mother and daughter and became friends. If I could accomplish half of what she did while she was a SAHM, I'd call myself ultimately successful. There wasn't a role she didn't play in our home from stretching a sometimes very scarce dollar to teaching me my academic subjects (I went to school but I credit her with my school success.)

Her mother was a SAHM who showed my mother the way. Very industrious in the home, made a dollar stretch f-a-r. She went back to work after my mother went to college. BTW, both of them translated skills from homemaking into pretty good paychecks.

SAHM, from what I've seen first hand, refers to the fact that the moms are working very hard with their children beside them. IMO the term working mom is an oxymoron.

That part about when my mother and I became friends wasn't very clear. The time after I graduated, before she started working, was very important to our relationship. The darkest time was when she had to go to work for about 2 years when I was 14-16 years old. But those were tough times all the way around!

Thank you for posting this — that was very encouraging, and much appreciated as I sit here working on a Sunday morning!

Judgment of each other, whether stay-at-home mom or work-outside-the-home mom, is unfair. We're all doing what we feel is best for our family, either by choice or necessity. Raising kids is difficult no matter what your situation. Isn't it better for everyone to try to work together?! Thanks again, and have a wonderful, laugh-friendly day!

Excellent post! I`m a work at home mom, so I`m kind of in between the two sides of the Mommy Wars . . . I am home with the kids but busy with work at the same time. But I heartily agree that it`s not a possibility or even a want for everyone to be a SAHM and that should be just fine.

You have NO IDEA how much this means to me. Sometimes I get caught up in the guilt. Thank you so so so so much! I linked this to my site. I will be visiting it often. THANK YOU!

Wow, Damsel–Am I detecting a serious chip on the shoulder? Your reply was a little harsh. I see the point Moriah was trying to make. Why can't we have both? In the "good old days" women reared their families AND farmed, made clothing, were midwifes, etc. and just took the kids along. What valuable life lessons those children learned! I know that's not always practical in today's world, but I think there are lots of creative options out there yet to be discovered. Why get defensive if you know you are called to do something? Defensiveness usually points to insecurity. Let's commit to what we're called to do and do it well–no need to defend ourselves to anyone.

Totally true that the guilt of working moms is a hard thing to bear. It is really tough that when you are finally home to dedicate time to yourself since you feel guilty for being away. Good article and great insight.

I had always thought I would work forever and never be home but after being an engineer for 12 years when my 1st daughter came along I could not bear to be without her. Though I gave up my career the 1st day at home was the worst. It was so tough to be at the beck and call of a baby and the crying was tough so was the lack of adult company. 3 years later and another toddler later I am shocked at how much people don't realize what a sacrifice it is being home. People don't care who or what I am at events as soon as I say SAHM. In fact I wrote an article on my site about the list of things people say to SAHM that are hurtful or annoying.
http://mommyniri.blogspot.com/2008/07/what-not-to-say-to-sahm-stay-at-home.html

Working Moms rock but there are just a few that insult both moms, whether in the home or out.

Thank you. Thank you. I've recently gotten hooked on your blog and have been joyfully immersing myself in your archives (while seriously thinking about starting a blog myself), and I linked here. I know it's from a while back, but as a mommy of two under three who works full time (and yes, it is full time and more despite the snarky comments about my career from those who don't know better) as a high school teacher:

THANK YOU.

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[...] are a few good reads that may help along your journey. A beautiful, inspirational thank-you note to working moms. @ 5 Minutes for [...]