By Stephanie
It’s nearing the very last minutes of the day and once again my heavy shoulders sigh at my inability to make any progress over yesterday. I am not even treading water anymore… my head is barely above the surface. Like last week, the big F was sticking its tongue out at me today. I tried the pep talks. I was encouraged that I am not alone.
But I am still lagging behind and I know I just had a baby three weeks ago, but that is just not gonna fly around here much longer. I am not even caring about my own well-being now… I have my children in mind. I am robbing from them a proper bedtime story and cuddles and a Mom with a friendly voice. And that steals from my own heart. And it hurts.
My “break” tonight was nursing the baby with my feet up while watching Survivor after the kids were in bed. A castaway told the cameras that she was just going to work really hard so that she would be more valuable to her team and they would keep her around.
Gulp.
I don’t feel worth much to my team family right about now. There is so much on my plate (that I chose to pile on myself) and I can’t even do my own dishes. For real.
As I scrubbed away at those dirty pots and pans (and directed Gray to pick up all his dinosaurs, prepared Carter for a spelling test, and did problem solving with Noah) I fought back tears (tears that flow freely now) and held on tight to the hope of doing better tomorrow. Promising myself that after some sleep and rest and the gathering of my thoughts, I’ll make a plan and get myself together. And do better next time.
Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary is asking some questions that I think you should honestly answer. What is one thing you feel like you are doing really well as a mother? And what is one area in which you feel you are struggling to do well as a mom? It’s a common theme among us all and lately it is running rampant- feeling overwhelmed- I am seeing it all over the place. And of course within my own mind and heart.
I admitted to myself tonight that I am just tired. Not only fatigued from lack of a good night’s sleep, but life in general has worn me out. It’s not just this Mom thing. And I think back to the time when Forrest Gump was running and running and all of a sudden stops, finally speaks, and says, “I’m pretty tired. I’m think I’ll go home now.”
Life has always been this way. I remember feeling these exact same overwhelming feelings outside of being a parent. All the way back to seventh grade and all the classes and homework and pre-teen angst. Highschool… don’t even get me started. And the pressures of being on my own finally, the grief of too many failures. And the despair of wondering if I’d ever find the man I was to marry.
At every one of those seasons of my life I felt how I felt today. And it was not because I am a Mom. Because back then I wasn’t even thinking about kids. I was making my way through life like everyone else. Climbing the mountains that just happen to be along the way, along every road of life. And I got through it.
No matter how incredibly good and perfect I know God is, I still need the reminder that He will bear my burdens. He will carry me through. Do I need to type out Footprints In The Sand for all of us?! I will not allow this to make me feel even more guilty. But I do need to take a deep breath and stop trying to do it all on my own.
In a strange way, it gives me a lot to look forward to. I am actually a bit excited about tomorrow and this new outlook, the new “me”. And as high as that Mount Everest is before me, I still know I can take it on. And win.
Stephanie Precourt is the managing editor of 5 Minutes For Parenting and also blogs at Adventures In Babywearing.
Annie Shultz
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